Sometimes I feel like the origin stories of my favorite actors and musicians are made up fairy tales. In fact, sometimes I feel like Wikipedia profiles are absolute crap. I’ll explain.
Take someone like D’Banj for instance– African Music Megastar, Cultural Icon, Gifted Entertainer and World Class Fela Impersonator.
Now, according to his internet biography, D’Banj once worked as a security guard in the UK before he became a musician.
Assuming this were to be true, could you just imagine the mannerisms and hilarisms of D’Banj being a security guard? Exactly what kind of organization would hire such a skinny fellow to stand guard at the gate? Do security uniforms come in sleeveless shirts and bootcut trouser varieties?
…and how come not a single customer of said institution has ever stepped forward to testify to the fact that D’banj once welcomed them in through the doors. It would seem like a pretty memorable event to have D’Banj usher you into the building..
Security man: “FIILE!! Don’t touch it. Leave it! We will take-care-of-it for you.”
Customer: ‘Will it be safe?’
Security man: “No long tin. No long tin.”
Customer: ‘Can you direct me to the receptionist’s desk?’
Security man: “Just move that booty to the left of the corridor and you will meet one mamalette with a green blouse. Just ask her “WHY ME OH!” She will direct you to a babylette on the second floor. She will tell you the koko.”
You know what? On second thought—I think he would make an excellent security guard.
Now, DON JAZZY’s origin story is totally unbelievable, not to mention unacceptable.
The story is that he used to sell akara when he was a toddler, but I don’t see how that can be true… he would be giving away akara for free like it was water—
–I mean have you seen this guy’s twitter account? The guy is too generous. He practically gives away a new car every week.
The only way I could really see Don Jazzy as an akara seller was if a customer vexed the guy and got him angry for some reason. Like imagine if a customer tried to steal some akara from him and he caught them…
Customer: “Is it because of one akara I tried to take from you that you’re frowning like this? This small akara?”
Akara seller: ‘Egbon Customer, If you want the akara, come and take it.’
Are there any origin stories of your favorite celebrities that you think are absolute balderdash? Feel free to comment below…
Welcome! Welcome to the Independence day special. Today is a really special day for us. You’re in for a treat, you are. How are you enjoying the holidays? I know you’re probably waiting on Mr President’s mini-ministerial list of ministers right now, but I just thought I’d take the time to start your day off on 1000 words of light-hearted humour. But before I commence with the rib cracking, I have a public service announcement to make, pertaining to these jokes.
These are my creative works. Any comedian that tries to replicate these in any form or manner, living or dead, I’m coming after you with a team of lawyers. By ‘team’ I mean first team plus substitutes and reserves, plus Falcao and Mikel if necessary. You understand? I’m bringing Basketmouth, Ali Baba and AY as witness testimony. No joke. So no funny stuff you hear?
A warning tho, this particular special will be football themed. By ‘football’, I mean ‘soccer’ for you Americans. This generation is all about the soccer, so if you’re last generation this post may not be for you. So If you’d rather–
watch the young and the restless instead of the fast and the furious this post may not be for you. If the only–
picture on your facebook is your passport photograph this post may not be for you. If you still–
take selfies with your hands like the ancient Greeks instead of with selfie sticks, this one may not be for you. Please, this is that next level, OS 8 and above my sister, Windows 20 and above my brother.
I don’t know about your country, but in mine, soccer is the main thing. 3 out of 10 people in the nation are wearing jerseys right now; that’s between 50 million and 70 million people depending on what guesswork you’re using… Supersport is creating more exciting and expensive channels everyday, just for football. And when it comes to national soccer, there are two things involved. It’s a match between..
Let’s face it, if this was a real match, the EPL would be in the lead right now. The Backlays (pause) premier league is here to stay. Our local leagues are just not as… glamorous, you know? I myself am an Arsenal fan, which probably means that I’d rather travel thousands of satellite miles to have my heart broken, than break it here locally. You can imagine. But don’t blame me.. The EPL is like a cigarette; you know its bad for you, but you still tune in with your friends every week– OK, that was a bad analogy, but you get the point.
Don’t get me wrung, the NPFL is an amazing league too, but I have some issues with it. Foremost of all, the names of the clubs.
Now, when a foreign club names their team it’s usually named after the town its from, right? Lazio isn’t called Lazio because they need lazy players. FC Cologne don’t wear expensive perfume to their matches (or maybe they do, I don’t know). Just because it’s called Chelsea FC doesn’t mean that Jose Mourinho has an unhealthy hankering for dry gin (or maybe he does.. look in his eyes, they’re sunken I tell you).
But when you call yourselves Niger Tornadoes FC, I expect to see some Tornadoes in Niger state. Or are you calling your club a natural disaster? I should hope not. Also I’m pretty sure there are no Wolves in Warri, except it’s extremely hungry ones that feed on sardines. Those’d be the first wolves with a sense of humour, I bet you.
If you’re gonna be called Dolphins FC at least let there be some Dolphins in your area. I can sympathise with Sharks FC because last match I watched, their stadium looked like a swimming pool, no offense, no fence either. It was waterlogged. The nets on the goalposts only made it look like they were fishing or something. But seriously Yo, on the real, how come these clubs are named after animals we’ve never seen here before?? I mean Gombe united has a logo of a Lobster playing a soccer ball, A LOBSTER, or at least I think it’s a lobster…
– that’s just weird. How do you play good if you’re looking up to a lobster? Answer: You don’t.
The shtick reminds me of national address names. Same difference. An address name should be simple. I think. Like… David street. That’s a good street name. Easy to remember and reach…
‘Where are you headed?’
‘Oh I know where that is it’s the road over there.’
Thanks a lot.
‘Great name isn’t it?’
I know right?
The name of the street I live on right now is impossible to remember. It’s impossible to find. I’m basically in witness protection by virtue of my street name. A GPS couldn’t find my street if it tried. I live on Chief Diumoterubili Akinlubonmi Salamander street.. Something like that. Whenever someone comes to visit I tell them to meet me at shoprite. Meet me at shoprite… its for your own good.
But back to the soccer names. Let’s keep it realistic I mean. What’s wrong with Mosquito United of Enugu, or Cockroach FC of Lagos? These are vicious, goal-oriented animals– realistic to the situation, bruv. I wouldn’t mind a contract with MFM united tho, Yo MFM! Your boy has madt skills over here. Also, I would like to state for the record that I have absolutely nothing against FC Ifeanyi Ubah.
Speaking of Nigerian clubs, I have something against one of your Sharks FC goalkeepers. I wont call any names, but I think I have his picture..
Now, I can think of a couple reasons why this guy I speak of is still your active goalkeeper. Number One is that he is so big that he has his own gravitational pull, one that attracts the ball towards him whether he dives or not.. if you’re into that physics stuff.
Number Two is that maybe there’s a kind of Suge K. Night situation going on between this guy I speak of and his coach, maybe. I hope not. Yo, I didn’t even know football jerseys came in this guy’s size; but that’s by the way… National football will be great again. Amen. *thumbs up emoji*
I just discovered, after years of hardwork and practice, Aba boys have finally perfected the NIKE sign. Seriously, the logos are indistinguishable now. The Nike slippers were the first to go. They’ve flooded the market like water. Next was the Nike trousers, then the Nike wallet hit the streets, then the Nike food flasks. Don’t even get me started on the Nike cufflinks and the Nike toothbrush.. the watch with like four Nike signs on it; Nike sign on a necklace, Nike Micheal Kors, Nike Jimmy Choos and the all-new Nike-Adidas.
P/S Don’t forget to check out my Amazon page for books, comics and lots more content. Thanks for reading. Feel free to Comment if you like. *smile emoji*
This thing has troubled me for wayy too long. Sometimes, I’ll put on the TV and think I’m watching Music Africa, only for somebody to tell me “No, that’s an AMERICAN RAPPER.” What is an AMERICAN RAPPER doing on MUSIC AFRICA then? Or am I not seeing clearly??
I cannot keep it to myself any longer. If he talks like a Nigerian, acts like a Nigerian and looks like a Nigerian, then he MUST be a Nigerian, no? I need to satisfy my conscience. I am pretty sure these people on my Television are 100% NIGERIAN and I will prove it to you RIGHT NOW. So let’s goo…
AMERICAN RAPPERS I’M SURE THAT ARE ACTUALLY NIGERIANS
You don’t have to look far to know that Future is an Igbo man. First off.. what grown man goes and names himself ‘Future’? A grown IGBO man, that’s who. He’s already naming himself after the next generation. FUTURE is probably short for FUTURE AND SONS LTD. PLC. or FUTURE SINACHI MUSICS. This brother is thinking ahead.
This guy dated CIARA and then dumped her when she started losing weight.. Don’t blame Future tho.. Igbo men LIKE their women with some meat on their bones. But when Ciara started putting ballerina clothes on and walking on tippy toes, Future was probably like “OGINI BU IFEAA!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!! I CANt TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!”
Have you even heard Future’s song “Let’s fuck up some commas”? That’s an IGBO ANTHEM right there mayne.. I’m saying that’s IGBO all over okay? Just listen to this guy: One thaasand to a hundred thaasaand, Hundred thaasand to five-hundred- thaaaaasand…. Five hundred thaasand to a million thaaaaaasand… Only Igbo men count like that, Only Igbo men talk like that… Come home Maazi Future.
Now many of you might have heard of this guy right here. This guy is Oliver de Coque reincarnated, man. This guy inherited his wardrobe from Osadebe directly, you understand? I heard the name of this guy’s new album is OSONDI OWENDI. Certified Igbo man right here. Goat meat peppersoup is probably his favorite flavor..
This guy is Phyno’s long lost twin brother aii? JIDENNACHUKWU… we are proud of you our son.. Nwoke Klaasique.
Do you erm..Do you really need me to tell you how Yoruba this guy is?? This guy is more Yoruba than a DADA. Look, there’s no point doubting it. This guy is more Yoruba than Amala and Ewedu soup. This guy is more Yoruba than akara on a Saturday morning. This guy’s volume is Yoruba. His eyes, his lips, his skin – ALL Yoruba. Yoruba daddies have this guy on their playlist next to Pasuma Wonder.. I’m not even joking about that. If I put my TV on mute when this guy comes on, my neighbours complain the music is too loud. That’s Yoruba right there, brother. DAVIDO featured this guy on a track and I couldn’t tell who was who for the ENTIRE VIDEO. Come home bro.
But this wasn’t even what confirmed it for me. I was only like 92% convinced of Onward Mill’s yorubaness until he picked Domitilla, the original Sisi Eko, Nivcki Minaj to be his girl. The Yoruba is strong in this one. This brother complains on twitter on Sunday mornings. That spells one thing to me.. Y. O. R. U. B. A
Kendrick Lamar is the true son of the soil. This boy spits schnapps. This boy has the spirit of two Lions—this boy has the spirit of Ojukwu you kno? This boy breaks kolanut in the studio before every session. Kendricki is what they call “Nwata siri Ike”.. Small but mighty. He is short for a reason bo. Too much fufu, that is. Igwe Kunta. This boy probably enters KFC and orders NKWOBI. This boy harvests new yam every afternoon.
First of all, Only a WARRI boy will name himself TYGA..
“Bros what’s your name?”
‘Tyga! Tyga!’ When you resemble an antelope tho..
This guy saw all the women in Hollywood and went to pick one smallie from Kim Kardashian’s house. Why?? Because WARRI NO DEY CARRY LAST. This guy shouts “AREA!” before every concert tho. This guy’s address is: No 2, Rack City Avenue, Rack City Street, Warri State, Warri. This guy’s shirts don’t come with buttons.
Now, there’s an issue we need to address on this guy right now, okay. Yes I know his name is OLUBOWALE AKINTIMEHIN, but calm down first, there’s a misconception somewhere..
You may be thinking Yoruba but this guy is definitely Hausa. I don’t know where the name came from, but this guy looks like the son of ZAAKI. This guy wears a hijab to his concerts. This guy shot a video with Nicki Minaj (See Clapperz) and he didn’t even look at her once. This guy is always staring into space… and you thought he was Yoruba. What Yoruba man can control the volume of their voice…Lets not argue this again. This guy probably takes off his slippers before entering the studio.
Drake is a Calabar man. Don’t ask me, go to Cross River and ask. His reflection in the mirror is Akwa Ibom tho. Every girl he meets wants him to be their houseboy, you kno… Dog meat must be a delicacy in the 6.
If you watch the news, you know the most important headline right now is the ongoing feud between Drake and Meek Mill. You might have to skip the less important issues like the BANGKOK BOMBING, or the BAILOUTS IN GREECE or whatever.. this issue is way way way wayy more complex than any of that.
We’re talking hurt emotions here.. we’re talking trust issues here… we’re talking ghostwriters and ghostbusters here… we’re talking keeping it 8 more than 92 with it (100) here…
Lucky for you, yours truly has uncovered the T.R.U reasons for the ongoing meat (pause) between the two lyrical bloggernauts. These are the reasons the media won’t tell you, but I’m not about to leave y’all thirsty aii? Let’s get it…
LETS START FROM THE BOTTOM (pause)
Okay, So You pro’ably heard the allegations Meek Mill has tabled before Drake. Yea you praably heard the Coke boy took to twitter to attack Drake, with allegations like
I DONT KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THOSE LOOKED LIKE PRETTY LEGIT FEDERAL OFFENCES TO ME. DRAKE SHOULD BE ARRESTED LOL
Okay, as you pro’ably guessed Drake replied this by tossing two pebbles at the MMG Gaoliath. Drake busted back (pause) with two ballads. The first was a song called Charged up (pause) and the second was called Back to Back (pause). In the two tracks, He basically says Meek Mill doesn’t have enough pills and potions to challenge him with.
Now what many of you may not know is that Jay HOVA (Jay-Z for short) had already predicted the life that his only begotten son, Drake, would lead. SURPRISE NIGGUH!!
It was in an earlier song called “Light up”.
Yup, Jay had appeared to Drake in a dream after smoking a burning bush and here’s what he had to say..
Light up Ch 1: V 2
Jay Z –
Drake, Here’s how they gon’ come at you
With silly rap feuds trying to distract you
In disguise in the form of a favour
… watch for the traitors
& there you have it. Drake is trying to fulfill the scriptures his father, HOVA, has laid out for him. You all better watch the throne, because Jay has sent his only yogotti son, born and bar mitzvah’d in Canada, Drizzus, to beef for our sakes with this one.
But then Jay Z did raise some valid points with his verse, Meek Mill really did ‘come in disguise in the form of a favour’. It was in the form of songs such as “Amen” and “RICO”. Songs which featured Drake
And this ‘silly rap feud’ really is distracting…
Lord knows where this eternal struggle for life and death and billboard hits will lead us. If we’re not careful, history might just repeat itself. Hopefully, we do not have another 2pac and Biggy situation (Drake would be 2Pac in this instance
…. AND Biggy).
Who among these warriors will prove their dreams are worth more than money?? Will the 6 God rise up and melt all the ice caps in Canada, sending the world into a flood once again?? Or will the Meek inherit the earth, and fill it with house parties?
Now another angle that is slowly unfurling is the disloyalty of this Jezebel to her one time sweetheart, Drache. You pro’ably heard that Wicki Winaj and Week Will have been exchanging smoochies all over the country (Aww) and sharing some of Drake’s secrets. This must have caused some heartache to Drake (reportedly), it’s bad enough that their Music Video wedding moment was not for life. Then again, as Drake will tell you, 6 God is ‘Selfish with the love’ and ‘needs all the praise’.
Now the rumours are swirling that Zeus Graham did not officially bed Nicki or Consummate their marriage, as earlier unconfirmed reports had earlier confirmed. Since then, Nothing has been the same.
But whatever the outcome of this war, no doubt I will be clutching my blanket and praying me and my eternal nae-nae be spared. If you’re reading this it may already be too late—the Drake-Meek Meal war is upon us and we must be vigilant.
I must implore all of you to keep your doors and windows locked at all times (especially those of you in Toronto and Houstonlantavegas), be with your families in these trying times. I too will be praying hard for your safety.
6 God be with you all.
Thank me later.
(So far gone)
Meek Mill album name.
THINGS WE KNOW ABOUT THE 6 / THE 6 COMMANDMENTS (bonus)
1. Shit is hot up in the 6 right now aww… hot up in the 6 boy
2. 6 God is watching I just hope you’re prepared to face him
3. When you see a scripture wit so many 6’s you should be afraid
4. 6 God is selfish with the love, he needs all the praise
5. Blessings on Blessings for me and my nigguhs from the 6… look at what we did
I wrote this for you a couple of internet minutes ago. It was supposed to be part of my stand up routine, but it came out all wrong. ..
Now I’m not sure if it’s a poem, a song, a puzzle, a joke, a love letter or a suicide note, but I’m hoping at the end of it, you could tell me. I called it I LIKE YOU. I think I was channeling this guy when I wrote it…
I like you becos you laff
It means you see the good in people
Even if you not laffin now, you’ll be laffin soon don’t worry
Some don’t laff to feel like celebrity
Well, celebrity laff the most
Or at least they should be.
I would give you my number
But it fall inside water
not the phone, the number fall inside water
The place I wrote it fall inside water—
I don’t know my own number.
I’d ask the people that call me but…
I don’t want to look stoopid ya know?
But at least a person phone fallin in water
Is better than person phone fallin on ground..
Because water liquid, floor is solid, liquid softer—
After the award show, there was a small gathering just outside the venue. People were break dancing, yard stomping, runway strutting, b-boy stancing… not an unusual sight with these types of concerts.
I walked up to the crowd, no date by my side, as usual, to observe the spectacle up close. I was amazed by the number of moves these people displayed. There’s a lot of talent in this country, I thought, as an underage girl twerked aggressively beside me.
Then, the beat changed. “Time for Rap Battle” the guy on the stereo announced. His word was law in these parts. The tune to Eminem’s ‘bad guy’ started to play. Unconsciously, I began bobbing my head—it was an inspired selection.
So there I was, enjoying the moment, when something unexpected happened. A young man calls me out. He was a short, M.I looking fellow, with Versace printed across his vest. I don’t know why, but this man had decided that I would bear the brunt of his punchlines this evening.
“Hey you!” he started.
“Me?” I questioned
“Yes, you looking like a bitch”
“Why are you moving your head like bongafish…”
It was awful. All I could do was stare blankly as he attacked me with lyrics on lyrics on lyrics. I think he said something about me ‘being so stupid my card reader can’t read’ … whatever that means.
But soon it was over, and everyone was jeering and egging me on for a reply.
So I took a deep breath, searched inside myself, and said some things.
In this order I said—
Funny how information
flows on a TV station—
Next thing you know,
there’s an interest in your situation
For fifteen minutes
you’re the source of an admiration,
The blue skies
are freed of precipitation—
you’re drying your eyes;
Then you realize
you can rise above
all of the punishment
that’s been plaguing your life:
Once your origins
originated from a bottle of
A family member dies
your emotions collide
and all of your feelings are lies,
All the consolation
never bring you consolation
The rest of your generation
just a confirmation that
life isn’t fair,
call-it pride or call-it fear,
is my inception
Why am I propagating
Now at this point, I felt the noises dying down, so I figured I’d take it up a notch—
a single asterisk
can make you
base your entire existence
Institutions keep on
hunting for your credit,
questioning your every
Inflating your embarrassment
Somehow the environment’s
anyone against it
is a terrorist
Somehow the party that profits
is the most generous
If you don’t like it
then go suck an asparagus,
Is it really wrong to question your base?
What country you from?
Am I just a victim of space?
What colour your skin?
Am I just a victim of race?
Are my allegiances misplaced?
All of this brain addling
only serves to make me a weapon
now I’m awake
to what I’m deserved
should I question
if I’m deserving—
“Booo!” the crowd proclaimed
“This your nonsense rap is too long!”
“Don’t spoil the show abeg”
In the wake of these terrible reviews I hid my face and sunk into the darkness, reflecting on my haplessness, unaware that I was being observed from the shadows;
a little kid with binoculars, unknown to me, had followed me all the way home.