Welcome! Welcome to the Independence day special. Today is a really special day for us. You’re in for a treat, you are. How are you enjoying the holidays? I know you’re probably waiting on Mr President’s mini-ministerial list of ministers right now, but I just thought I’d take the time to start your day off on 1000 words of light-hearted humour. But before I commence with the rib cracking, I have a public service announcement to make, pertaining to these jokes.
These are my creative works. Any comedian that tries to replicate these in any form or manner, living or dead, I’m coming after you with a team of lawyers. By ‘team’ I mean first team plus substitutes and reserves, plus Falcao and Mikel if necessary. You understand? I’m bringing Basketmouth, Ali Baba and AY as witness testimony. No joke. So no funny stuff you hear?
A warning tho, this particular special will be football themed. By ‘football’, I mean ‘soccer’ for you Americans. This generation is all about the soccer, so if you’re last generation this post may not be for you. So If you’d rather–
watch the young and the restless instead of the fast and the furious this post may not be for you. If the only–
picture on your facebook is your passport photograph this post may not be for you. If you still–
take selfies with your hands like the ancient Greeks instead of with selfie sticks, this one may not be for you. Please, this is that next level, OS 8 and above my sister, Windows 20 and above my brother.
I don’t know about your country, but in mine, soccer is the main thing. 3 out of 10 people in the nation are wearing jerseys right now; that’s between 50 million and 70 million people depending on what guesswork you’re using… Supersport is creating more exciting and expensive channels everyday, just for football. And when it comes to national soccer, there are two things involved. It’s a match between..
Let’s face it, if this was a real match, the EPL would be in the lead right now. The Backlays (pause) premier league is here to stay. Our local leagues are just not as… glamorous, you know? I myself am an Arsenal fan, which probably means that I’d rather travel thousands of satellite miles to have my heart broken, than break it here locally. You can imagine. But don’t blame me.. The EPL is like a cigarette; you know its bad for you, but you still tune in with your friends every week– OK, that was a bad analogy, but you get the point.
Don’t get me wrung, the NPFL is an amazing league too, but I have some issues with it. Foremost of all, the names of the clubs.
Now, when a foreign club names their team it’s usually named after the town its from, right? Lazio isn’t called Lazio because they need lazy players. FC Cologne don’t wear expensive perfume to their matches (or maybe they do, I don’t know). Just because it’s called Chelsea FC doesn’t mean that Jose Mourinho has an unhealthy hankering for dry gin (or maybe he does.. look in his eyes, they’re sunken I tell you).
But when you call yourselves Niger Tornadoes FC, I expect to see some Tornadoes in Niger state. Or are you calling your club a natural disaster? I should hope not. Also I’m pretty sure there are no Wolves in Warri, except it’s extremely hungry ones that feed on sardines. Those’d be the first wolves with a sense of humour, I bet you.
If you’re gonna be called Dolphins FC at least let there be some Dolphins in your area. I can sympathise with Sharks FC because last match I watched, their stadium looked like a swimming pool, no offense, no fence either. It was waterlogged. The nets on the goalposts only made it look like they were fishing or something. But seriously Yo, on the real, how come these clubs are named after animals we’ve never seen here before?? I mean Gombe united has a logo of a Lobster playing a soccer ball, A LOBSTER, or at least I think it’s a lobster…
– that’s just weird. How do you play good if you’re looking up to a lobster? Answer: You don’t.
The shtick reminds me of national address names. Same difference. An address name should be simple. I think. Like… David street. That’s a good street name. Easy to remember and reach…
‘Where are you headed?’
‘Oh I know where that is it’s the road over there.’
Thanks a lot.
‘Great name isn’t it?’
I know right?
The name of the street I live on right now is impossible to remember. It’s impossible to find. I’m basically in witness protection by virtue of my street name. A GPS couldn’t find my street if it tried. I live on Chief Diumoterubili Akinlubonmi Salamander street.. Something like that. Whenever someone comes to visit I tell them to meet me at shoprite. Meet me at shoprite… its for your own good.
But back to the soccer names. Let’s keep it realistic I mean. What’s wrong with Mosquito United of Enugu, or Cockroach FC of Lagos? These are vicious, goal-oriented animals– realistic to the situation, bruv. I wouldn’t mind a contract with MFM united tho, Yo MFM! Your boy has madt skills over here. Also, I would like to state for the record that I have absolutely nothing against FC Ifeanyi Ubah.
Speaking of Nigerian clubs, I have something against one of your Sharks FC goalkeepers. I wont call any names, but I think I have his picture..
Now, I can think of a couple reasons why this guy I speak of is still your active goalkeeper. Number One is that he is so big that he has his own gravitational pull, one that attracts the ball towards him whether he dives or not.. if you’re into that physics stuff.
Number Two is that maybe there’s a kind of Suge K. Night situation going on between this guy I speak of and his coach, maybe. I hope not. Yo, I didn’t even know football jerseys came in this guy’s size; but that’s by the way… National football will be great again. Amen. *thumbs up emoji*
I just discovered, after years of hardwork and practice, Aba boys have finally perfected the NIKE sign. Seriously, the logos are indistinguishable now. The Nike slippers were the first to go. They’ve flooded the market like water. Next was the Nike trousers, then the Nike wallet hit the streets, then the Nike food flasks. Don’t even get me started on the Nike cufflinks and the Nike toothbrush.. the watch with like four Nike signs on it; Nike sign on a necklace, Nike Micheal Kors, Nike Jimmy Choos and the all-new Nike-Adidas.
P/S Don’t forget to check out my Amazon page for books, comics and lots more content. Thanks for reading. Feel free to Comment if you like. *smile emoji*
No doubt this is already one of the hottest topics of the year.
When I started writing this, the presidential candidates were signing a “pledge” not to resort to violence in the coming elections. I watched the president sign it too, which was totally hilarious. It’s not everyday your president promises not to kill you on live TV… Anyways, at least it helps put the message across – If you choose to fight, you’re on your own bruh. INEC chose Valentine’s day for the election too, so you’d be like.. a total wierdo if you attacked someone on Valentine’s I guess.
When a friend told me GEJ was the best president we ever had, I really couldn’t argue with him; mostly because another friend had told me GEJ was the worst president we ever had. And I couldn’t really argue with him either. Because let’s face it, if there was an award for “most stressed out president” dude would probably make the top 5. He inherited an entire series of bad decisions from past rulers, and everyone expected him to fix the country in four years. Mostly because he told us he would.. but that’s not the point.
I think we can agree that the administration hasn’t been so great. Nobody denies that. It’s had it’s moments tho. The airports were spruced up for one, and many roads. There’s the railways I keep hearing about, which are really cool. Then agriculture improved, I think. Hey, the eagles won the nation’s cup! and we killed Ebola. But then there’s a whole catalogue of terrible things that went down..
First there was the subsidy removal, then soo much money lost or misappropriated or just not found. Stuff blew up and girls got kidnapped – that’s really the mildest way of putting it. The many many strikes. Oil prices and gas getting lost and electricity getting worse and the military having issues and I think I should stop now..
From all indications, his major opponent is GMB, a former Military ruler. At least I think he was.. Word on the street is that no one can find this guy’s school certificates; which could mean his schooling was poorly documented OR, he’s the greatest criminal mastermind of all time. Also, he’s 73 years old apparently (is this an Obama vs McCain thing??). Some people say he’s anti-corrupt, like the antiviruses. Others say he’s a dictator, and by others, I mean his opposition.
Then there’s the views that he’s been in ‘hibernation’ for like 30 years, I mean he didn’t release a book or anything. So I guess it’s reasonable to question his motives. There’s views that he’s a religious zealot too. The infamous Boko Haram sect nominated him as a spokesperson. He refused by the way, but that’s interesting..
I just want to wish everyone a safe and successful election. and a happy valentine’s coincidentally. I can only wish for more accountability in leadership. You should be electing a president, not choosing a King. I hate that the elections are presented like a famed boxing match, then the real issues end up skirted. Such as, how do you lead a country without knowing how many people are in it? stuff like that. I guess it’s not that simple..
Any comments you have.. about who to vote for, or things you think I missed, I’d really like to hear them