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AN INTERVIEW WITH TROLLS RIGHTS ACTIVIST – LOGIC LAUGHS

 

Ladies and/or gentlemen and people of all color welcome to the show,

we have a very special guest with us tonight… he is a very popular trolls rights activist, novelist and local singer… erm, he is the voice behind the hashtag #TrollsUnite and the founder of the Society for the Advancement of Trolling Rights Everywhere – #SATIRE please give a warm welcome to Logic Laughs.

 

applause-sign

 

Logic Laughs:  Thank you all, It’s great to be here

       Interviewer:  It’s great to have you here on the show Logic, can I call you Logic?

Logic Laughs:  Of course you can. I’m a very nice person. *CROSSES LEGS*

Interviewer:  I’m just going to get off the bat here, erm, because we’re all dying to hear your story… What inspired you to be a trolls rights activist?

Logic Laughs:  Thank you Oprah, I get that question a lot. I remember the first time I was called a Troll. I was posting some random tweets, you know on the website, Twitter?

     Interviewer:  mm hmm

Logic Laughs:  and out of the blue someone replies one of my tweets and tells me to “stop trolling”

     Interviewer:  They told you to “stop trolling”?

Logic Laughs:  *SIGHS* Yes

     Interviewer:  Terrible

Logic Laughs:  now obviously I didn’t know what trolling meant at the time

     Interviewer:  mm hmm

Logic Laughs:  so I typed in “trolling” into google search, and before I could finish typing,   some google suggestions started to appear

     Interviewer:  What kinds of suggestions?

Logic Laughs:  Like “I hate trolls” “Trolls are disgusting” “Trolls are the devil” stuff like that.

 

trolls

     Interviewer:  Just awful

Logic Laughs:  What’s even worse is that, I finally hit search, and there were all these…    depictions of trolls as monsters, trolls as computer geeks and stuff…

….Even in movies, like there’s this one movie where a troll walks into a girl’s    bathroom and tries to attack her –

     Interviewer:  What movie was that?

Logic Laughs:  Harry Potter, I think it was called

*AUDIENCE GASPS*

Logic Laughs:  and I remember thinking, how could anyone film something like this? A   troll would never attack anyone, much less a child, but they had us  attacking little girls in bathrooms.

     Interviewer:  It must have been an awful experience for you.

Logic Laughs:  *IN TEARS* It was.

     Interviewer: So what happened next?

Logic Laughs:  So I decided that I wasn’t going to take it anymore

*AUDIENCE CLAPS*

 

I decided that I would go out and do something about it you know. We trolls are as valid contributors to the society as any other person out there, I mean you can find us on, on Reddit forums, you can find us on Youtube comment sections, iMDb message boards, back seats of stadiums – we have a right to exist as much as anyone else.

 

bts_audience_applause

 

     Interviewer:  A very, very brave story. Erm… we have a caller for Logic on the line from   Boston, she is a mother of two and her name is Andrea. How are you  Andrea?

Andrea:  Great. It’s so great to be able to call in and talk to Logic Laughs, he has been an inspiration to me and my family in a big way.

     Logic Laughs:  Thank you. Glad to be of service.

Andrea:  My son recently went to school dressed like a Kardashian, and the other children actually mocked him for it

     Logic Laughs:  They mocked him?

Andrea:  I mean why can’t my son have a normal life like other kids without being vilified for it?

     Logic Laughs:  You see this is exactly what I’m talking about. This is why I fight hard everyday for #SATIRE. We need to stop the oppression of trolls. It’s ridiculous. I see no reason why a creative young man cant dress up as –   which Kardashian was that Andrea?

Andrea:  Kanye

     Logic Laughs:  – I mean it’s absolutely atrocious, don’t you think so Oprah?

Interviewer:  Stop calling me Oprah

     Logic Laughs:  – I see no reason why these people should choose to accost us just because they feel threatened by us. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

This is why as the founder of SATIRE, I am calling for the boycott of all  Harry Potter movies, Warcraft video games, lord of the Rings T-shirts and English dictionaries worldwide.

*AUDIENCE CHEERS*

Interviewer:  A very brave erm… statement. Alright before we end this segment I have a final question that I feel needs to be asked. What can ordinary citizens do to advance trolling rights?

     Logic Laughs:  It’s very simple. The key word here is tolerance, and knowing that trolls are people just like you. When you see us on your timeline or in the street, welcome us , don’t block us.

Interviewer:  So, stop blocking trolls?

     Logic Laughs:  Exactly, and there’s another technique I think might be useful

Interviewer:  Oh yea? What’s that?

     Logic Laughs:  Whenever you see a troll, you could open your mouth at them, and let some sounds come out of it.

Interviewer:  You mean like a cough?

      Logic Laughs:  Laughter, I meant laughter.

*AUDIENCE LAUGHS*

Interviewer:  Of course, well it’s been great having you on the show Logic and we hope to have you again soon.

     Logic Laughs:  Thanks for having me. It was great to be here *Adjusts Crocs*

Interviewer:  Alright, next on the show we have an interview with the leader of #STD – the Society for The Decaricaturisation of Donald Trump . Don’t touch that dial, we’ll be right back

*AUDIENCE CLAPS*

I LIKE YOU

I wrote this for you a couple of internet minutes ago. It was supposed to be part of my stand up routine, but it came out all wrong. ..

Now I’m not sure if it’s a poem, a song, a puzzle, a joke, a love letter or a suicide note, but I’m hoping at the end of it, you could tell me. I called it I LIKE YOU. I think I was channeling this guy when I wrote it…

rasta man

 

I like you becos you laff

It means you see the good in people

Even if you not laffin now, you’ll be laffin soon don’t worry

Some don’t laff to feel like celebrity

Well, celebrity laff the most

Or at least they should be.

 

I would give you my number

But it fall inside water

not the phone, the number fall inside water

I mean,

The place I wrote it fall inside water—

I don’t know my own number.

I’d ask the people that call me but…

I don’t want to look stoopid ya know?

But at least a person phone fallin in water

Is better than person phone fallin on ground..

Right?

Because water liquid, floor is solid, liquid softer—

See?

I know maths

 

rasta 2

 

We use technology

for funniest things

like phone

before phone we use mail letters

now we use phone to flash & pingu

but if you send blank letter to person,

they call ya crazy, ya know?

But now there’s call me back—

and text.

But if I send letter to person..

and letter says “send me letter”

they call ya foulish, ya know?

In my country,

They flash person with land line

that like posting letter wit no address,

 

but we developing country still

your country develop

but all country still developing tho

Why ya stop?

We third world country still

You first world.

we have three world

Why you have only one, ya know?

Ayo?

You laff yet?

Where your laff emoji?

But if you send letter—

With draw smiley face on top

To person

They call ya stalker, ya know?

rasta 3

ODE TO MESSI

MY EXTREMELY GAY ODE TO LIONEL MESSI

Oh what are balls,
but magnets at your feet?

That your moves are never seen
‘less they be on repeat?

Oh I weep, weep
for the defence,

For even if a thousand men
made promises to keep,

the goalposts would yet expand
by an inch;

Fifa ’15 put your worth at over 100000000 dollars
That’s the budget of 3 of our countries,
But if a club

should wish to be so broke,
their revenues you would replenish,
with a shot and a skirmish,
On porn sites your dribbles

are a fetish,

but I wouldn’t know anything about that…

messi 10
Oh what is the number 10 on your jersey,
but the number of players
on your squad unnecessary,

No ‘I’ in team
but two in Lionel,
Messi;

And even though your growth be stunted,
the menus of your chef
are steadily hunted,

To say better players exist
is a lie,
Even Ronaldo himself
would shrink in size;
(By Ronaldo I meant C. Ronaldo)

(No offence to CR7)

ronaldo

Thy moves are swifter,

swifter

Swifter
Swifter

than a Taylor Swift
album
;

Coaches
admitting themselves
to asylums;

coach 1

coach 2

coach 3

That you never won the world cup
is a crime,
Sepp Blatter resigned,

Player of the tournament:
“To its biggest star
We apologise
and banish the games
to Russia,

and Qatar”

Cooling breaks
but you needed no water,
Brazilian sun,
Your tan did not suffer;

messi

Black or White:
You transcend race.
Four defenders at a time:
You transcend space.

Goal line technology:
strongly heeded,
In your case
never needed,

Freekicks:
Captain’s decision,
Xavi asking

Your permission;

Never sweating,
Never running,
Skipping, Jogging,
Twisting, Turning
Have to stop, my pen

is burning
(really burning)

God help Juve

May Buffon
never be
a Buffoon!
May Pogba
never suffer!
May Pirlo

pirlo

never shave!

THANK YOU FOR NOT LISTENING

I hope you’ve had a great year.. mine was pretty rough, dude. Mostly because I lost my three best friends. You might know them, there’s

Kate,

Mal,

and Red.

 

kate

 

One evening, Kate walks up to me looking fine. So fine, I had to stare at her large forehead to remind myself I was in the friendzone. Earlier that day she’d texted that she needed some advice. What better place to give it to her than on a table for two at a five star restaurant?

You could tell by my new tux that it wasn’t a big deal for me.. and the 15 carat engagement ring in my left pocket? meh, just something i’d picked up from the store earlier. I hate when my left pocket is empty.

Kate told me she was a sex addict. That she loved men of all shapes and sizes, and she didn’t know why. By the look in her eyes I knew I didn’t fit the description. But I gave the best advice I could. I told her to use a condom. When I got home, first thing I did was throw the ring in the garbage.

The very next day she met someone new, Charles he was called. Charles must know a really good restaurant because the first thing she did was forget my advice. She goes and gets herself pregnant then comes crying to me to help her. I tell her everything will be alright…

Turns out Charles was like a king or something in some town in Europe. Turns out he’s cool with the baby and he wants to get married to Kate.

I haven’t heard from her since. But her last facebook status went something like..

shoutout to the haters that told me to play it safe

 

mal

 

Mal was no quitter.

Even though I liked her strong will, all we really had in common was rock music. She was the only girl I knew who never put on makeup. She wore whatever the fuck she wanted.

One day she writes me a frantic message. Turns out one of the soldiers outside her house really doesn’t like rock music. Like really really doesn’t. The dude gets mad everytime he hears her phone play. She asks me for advice. “What do I do about him?” she writes. I give her my best.

Buy some headphones” I say. Seems simple enough. You get your precious rock music, and the mysterious ‘outside soldier’ gets to leave you alone. I should have told her to get glasses too. I don’t think she saw my reply..

One morning she’s outside blaring some Led Zeppelin on high stereo. The soldier has had enough. He pumps three bullets into Mal, and she loses her footing. There’s children running all over the street. Siri wises up and turns off the playlist. She’s unconscious.

Next thing you know some helicopter from Europe or something picks her up on its way to the hospital. They take out the bullets and make her well again. Soon she’s appearing on interviews and talk shows and stuff. She’s a rock legend now.

One day I receive a small package. It’s from Mal. I’m really excited when I open it. Inside there’s a pair of headphones and a note. I grab the note, I’m so happy I’ll be hearing from Mal again. The words jump out from the paper..

You wear them!”

I think she saw my reply.

 

red

 

Red is… well, was not the smartest of friends to have. She was always laughing about something. It’s amazing how her teeth were so white, what with all the drugs she did.

One day she tells me drugs are ‘stealing her personality’, which sounds hilarious at first, but for once she isn’t laughing when she says it, so I know its been eating at her for a while. She asks me what to do.

I know I’m on a poor streak when it comes to giving advice, but somehow I felt really confident about telling her to layoff the drugs. I’d seen how drug addicts behave on TV, always zoned out and looking terrible. I wanted none of that for Red. I knew I’d done the right thing.

Red must have been wearing earmuffs that day because next thing you know, she and her boyfriend go to meet some koreans for some new type of high. Somehow her boyfriend is killed, and then she’s kidnapped by drug dealers. They sew in an entire bag of the stuff into her lower abdomen..

Next thing you know she gets so high that she can control gravity and read people’s minds. She can separate radio waves and time travel and shit. Soon she like, leaves her physical form and becomes an omnipotent being or something that can control technology and electricity and stuff.

I haven’t heard from the girl since when she left me a flash drive, containing all the reasons I’m a stupid asshole..

 

I’m at the club right now and I’ve just met a lovely girl in a sequin dress. She says her boyfriend is a maniac and she wants to leave him. She asks me what to do. I know exactly what to say.