Category Archives: Skit

THE CURSE OF THE FIRST BORNS

N.B The Curse of the First Borns is now gaining traction on thenakedconvos.com. Check it out

THE CURSE OF THE FIRST BORNS

 

This post goes out to all first-borns in African households. By ‘first-born’ I mean that you are a first child in that family (the first to be born), and as a first child there are things you go through that other children just won’t understand…

Others will not feel your pain, when you are acting all silent and moody, then someone says… “Oh! She’s the first born” and another person says “No wonder…”

and when you’re wondering why your junior ones are getting all the cool nicknames (like Prince), but you got the most traditional names in your village (Olatunji Olakunle Bright Jnr)… and still the pastor made sure your baptismal name is AUGUSTUS

and when you read the bible story of Jacob and Esau, and Esau lost his birthright, but somehow Esau is still the bad guy for being hungry…

jacob

 

-Sometimes the society doesn’t realize the subtle oppression it puts you through..

 

but this post will surely feel your pain. This post will bring your silent struggles to light. Your many silent struggles. And why you struggle so.

 

N.B. saying ‘First-borns’ is a hell of a lot tiring so I’ll just shorten it to FIBI,

so dear readers, anytime you see FIBI in this post, know that it means ‘First-born’ okay? Let’s go…

 

  • The Pregnancy

Being FIBI means you were the first pregnancy your parents ever had to deal with, and with the first pregnancy comes the most anxiety and fear.

Simple.

Which means when you were conceived, your mother was anxious because she was new to the experience of pregnancy. ..

Before, she was thinking of new shoes and hairstyles and P Square’s album is coming out next week…

now she is gaining weight, her hormones are dancing, all these people want to touch her belle…

 

When you were conceived as FIBI, your father was new to the responsibility and the changes as well.

Before he was thinking of English Premier League and Buhari’s new budget…

now he’s thinking of Pampers and School Fees and Praying his wife is okay.

This atmosphere of anxiety could haunt you forever.

 

  • Experimentation

Now, because your parents were new to the experience of having you, there were probably more mistakes in raising you than raising your junior ones. (You know, from lack of experience)

As FIBI you are “the experiment baby”.

Your parents did not understand much about your growth. Your younger brothers and sisters did not feel this because your parents had built up the experience from having you.

I’ll give an example, when FIBI starts teething, because the mother is new to the experience, she might think

“What the hell is happening to my child? Why is there Saliva everywhere?”

But when the second or third born starts teething, she can tell the difference because

“Oh Junior is teething, I remember when it happened to FIBI.”

 

This is why the second and third borns may be growing faster than you, even though you’re eating the same food. They know how it works now.

 

  • Forbidden Fruit

In our African society, where more people have premarital sex than they like to admit; some marriages are preordained by pregnancy.

After impregnating baby girl, the only acceptable social alternative for big daddy is to marry her. In such situations, many parents see FIBI as the reason for their marriage..

and if such relationships turn bitter, you will be the reason for their problems.

“If I didn’t get pregnant with you, I wouldn’t be in this mess”

good parenting

 

Why are they blaming you for a problem you did not cause?

 

  • The responsibility

As FIBI, you are expected to be the next authority figure in the house. When the parents leave, you are expected to be the ‘man of the house’ or ‘woman of the house’.

You are expected to be in check of your siblings at all times. And if they do not behave, you are the one to take the blame. All this on your small head.

As FIBI, when you get a junior brother or sister you are expected to nurture them as well. You are supposed to be the ‘third parent’ of the kids. Their second daddy, Their second mummy.

 

You see, as a child, you are naturally programmed to see your siblings as competition. You’re thinking “Who is this other baby? And why is Mommy showing them more attention than me?” But you need to fight your programming, and protect them.

Why wont you share? Don’t you know she’s your baby sister?

Sometimes, Favouritism comes into play, and FIBI will feel isolated in their own home.

 

N.B. Don’t forget, FIBI is supposed to get married before their junior ones.

As FIBI, you need to marry quickly in order to give your brothers and sisters a chance. Why?    -Because you are FIBI of course, and this is Africa.

This is what I like to call, the FIBI Time Limit™

 

  • The only child

The only child is the double wahala of this discussion, because not only are you a first child, you are the center of attention. You are a product of anxiety that carries your entire life. Not only are you privy to all the conditions mentioned above, but now, you are the ‘only hope’ of the family.

‘only’ daughters will rarely ever have suitors that please their parents, because it’s not about the suitor, it’s the harsh reality of seeing their only daughter go. And yet, ‘only’ children are primed from childhood to breed and breed quickly and vastly.

As an only child you are prone to more and more acts of rebellion to escape your confines. Because you’re in a situation where you always feel judged, you may lash out in different ways, especially in teenage years.

Sometimes you know that your actions will be without much consequence,

“What can daddy do to me sef, am I not the only child?”

As the only child you are the most likely to explore the unknown.

 

  • Final words

Look, there is no solution to being a first born, as it is not a problem. It is a God given position, so you have to act accordingly. Make that position your own.

There are studies that say FIBI are the most intelligent children. So there’s that. But remember this intelligence only comes from being able to teach your younger ones.

If you’re a parent that treats your first child in the ways I’ve mentioned, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. This life thing can be confusing at times, but hopefully a little understanding can make a difference.

Thanks for reading.

 

P/S Don’t forget to check out my Amazon page for books, comics and lots more content. Thanks for reading.

 

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19 SLANGS

These are 19 of my favorite local slangs/proverbs and after a whole lot of enquiries, I think i’ve finally found out what they mean in plane english, brothers.

One thing must kill somebody / Everybody must die from something

meaning:

1. Life is short,

so shorten it…

The devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know

meaning:

1. Never change anything; Stay the same

2. Respect the status quo; Do not experiment;

3. Don’t go outside;

4. Vote PDP

No rest for the wicked / Body no be wood

meaning:

1. You’re a good person if you sleep a lot;

2. Workaholics are the devil

3. Stay vigilant or you’ll be attacked… by the vigilant

4. Don’t suffer your body too much… take alcohol instead

No food for lazy man

meaning:

1. In this economy, no food for working man either, what’s your point?

Horn before overtaking

meaning:

1. I have no trafficator,

2. no brake lights or headlights,

3. but if you dare to pass,

4. and then die,

5. you caused it.

6. What am I?

Good name is better than riches

meaning:

1. So I named my children Godswill, Godspower, Godisgood,

Godwin, Goddie, Godina and Godsriches

But did you die?

meaning:

1. You’re not in pain unless the answer is ‘yes’

2. Don’t complain;

3. Complain to your coffin

See me, See wahala

meaning:

1. See you, See wahala

Look at this one

meaning:

1. Idiot alert;

2. I just found another idiot;

3. You idiots amaze me

Are you mad?

meaning:

1. A term of endearment / how are you?

dey there now

meaning:

1. If you don’t know by now, you’re an idiot

2. Will you believe me or will you keep being an idiot?

3. I can’t explain, but you’re an idiot

Wake me up by 8

meaning:

1. I need someone to blame when I wake up by 10

2. My laziness is your responsibility

How far now?

meaning:

1. I need some money

What’s up?

meaning:

1. I need some money

Wetin dey?

meaning:

1. Where is the money?

I carried you when you were small

meaning:

1. Bro, do you even lift?

Happy birthday to me!

meaning:

1. For godssakes send money!

I can’t sleep

meaning:

1. Memories of my ex haunt me at night

What’s the time?

meaning:

1. I have no watch, so

you are my timekeeper for the evening

2. You have a nice watch, so… you’re my watch now

3. My time is very important to me… tell me what it is

4. Tell me your time, the universe depends on it!

slang 2

TRUE NOLLYWOOD STORY

I like Nollywood. It teaches me.

Nollywood taught me about Mbaise

I like Genevieve.. don’t even know her last name, but I think we can both agree that there’s only one Genevieve in this country. How old is she anyway? First time I saw her in the movies, fuel went for N60 per barrel, Hulk Hogan was WWF Champion, women wore blouses and plaid skirts… Okaay just kidding, I’ve never seen a woman in a skirt.

amazing isn't she
amazing isn’t she

So my heart was broken thoroughly recently, when I found out she’s (Genevieve) from Mbaise. Which, according to traditional folklore, means that she can turn into a snake at night; or something of that nature. I guess I have some questions for that community (Mbaise); questions I would rather ask during the daytime.

Nollywood taught me about Witches

Your movies have saved my life countless times. I have learnt to avoid the enemy. It is Nollywood that taught me how to identify witches — and even ghosts. I’ve seen Karishika, I’ve seen Living in Bondage.. so I know.
The witches all look the same. You know the look: Bleached out face, dark scary tattoos on the skin, Black lipstick with the deep eye shadow and Purple mascara, Rouge foundation on the cheeks, them long sharpened fingernails and jagged pearly teeth, incredibly trendy high heels and well-tailored gowns… and don’t forget the gold jewelry. I know the features so much in fact, that I am proud to say that when I go down the street, I see witches everywhere. I’ve identified forty-five of them today alone, and it’s just 11 a.m.

 

belinda

I know how dangerous they (the witches) can be too.

In the movie, when a witch has a problem with someone, like their husband for example (it’s usually man trouble), they visit their fellow witches in a well-decorated tavern at night to share their sorrows.
There, she pronounces to the gathering: “I HAVE A PROBLEM” (it’s usually a screaming voice) “MY HUSBAND IS BLOCKING MY DESTINY”… something of that nature.

The caring and motherly head witch, who can’t bear to see her flock suffer, will then say “TAKE THIS POISON” (she hands over a pint of salt) “AND PUT IT IN HIS FOOD”. Simple and to the point. Problem solved.
The troubled witch goes home and greets her husband with his favourite meal, laced with POISON of course; which he devours with the greatest avidity..
..seconds later he has started to choke, for some reason his insides are melting, his eyes are popping out of his skull. He tries to call for help, but ends up vomiting a pool of blood instead. As if that’s not enough, a froth of foam starts building in his mouth, like someone forgot to close the washing machine. He dies in agony, wishing his wife had had the decency to just shoot him instead. Good riddance. Her destiny will be blocked no more…

Nollywood taught me about pregnancy

…The liberated woman then remarries a much more attractive and virile man. It’s smooth sailing from here. In no time she has conceived and the home is a much happier place. “We’re having a baby!” the new husband screams in joy.
But by the ninth month the miracle of childbirth seems more gruesome than a case of Ebola. She is nearing labour now, and she can’t move about without the support of her husband. On their way to the hospital she fears she won’t make it, her husband is sweating bullets in the driver’s seat.
By the time she reaches the hospital she’s practically begging for air. The doctors have the theatre prepared long before her arrival, and then the endeavour begins. And after the long and arduous labour pains, by some miracle of nature, she gives birth to a yam.
By yam I mean a yam tuber. A YAM TUBER! Given all her fears of having the baby, somehow she is able to give birth to a food crop with no complications at all.
The Doctor steps out of the theatre surprisingly calm. Putting on his most morose face to address the husband, who is too flustered to read his features. He asks:
“Doctor! Please how is my wife doing?”

“I’m sorry.” says the Doctor.

“You’re sorry?” asks the husband, confused.

“Your wife gave birth to a yam.”

“HEEY!!” cries the husband. “Doctor, what do we do?”
doctor
“Hmmm” The Doctor ponders. Now he’s in a predicament. His patient just gave birth to a tuber of yam, a medical impossibility…
Does he consider calling the CDC, or the Government? Does he alert the medical community or the Guinness Book of World Records? Does he call the news stations or the tabloids?
“Hmmmm” says the Doctor. “I think you should see a Spiritualist.”

Nollywood is talent

Nollywood is home to some of the greatest actors on the planet. Who else could take some uninspired dialogue, one-take editing, hilarious special effects and convert it to movie gold like Nkem Owoh would do? When 80% of the camerawork is a close-up of your face, how do you maintain your demeanor so seamlessly, like Omotola? When a lack of sets means you will have to act out your dementia scene next to a real dustbin, how do you remain so graceful, like Mercy Johnson? Who can be so versatile as to become a spiritualist, a doctor, a professor, a lawyer and a father in the same movie, like the late great Sam Loco-Efe?

My Doc/Sat1/Prodn folder/Photo Pix/Sam Loco 2

Who else could play a crazed politician and megalomaniac like Kanayo O. Kanayo? Who could alternate between a respected reverend father and a possessive demon like Clem Ohameze? Who else could fist fight an entire gang and come out unscathed, like Jim Iyke? Who else could alternate between a devout reverend sister and a deranged lover, like Tonto Dike?
Who else could be a rancid witch one moment, then a loveable mother the next, like Patience Ozokwor? Who else could instill fear into the military and the council of elders like Pete Edochie? Who else could play the misguided husband like Tony Umez? Who else could play the college sweetheart like Genevieve… still can’t remember her last name.

BLACK GUYS TAKING PICTURES OF WHITE GUYS PAINTING FELA’S GRAVESITE

This may well be the longest title for anything I’ve written. ANGU comes close, but no cigar.

At first glance the statement doesn’t seem like a big deal. Fortunately, in the modern age, racism is steadily being addressed, so a white guy painting a black guys grave it’s like.. nothing to see here; but to those who are accustomed to Fela’s music it’s pretty damned ironic, to me it’s downright hilarious…

Fela Kuti
Fela Kuti

For those who may not know him, the late Fela Kuti is a grammy nominated musician and human rights activist. His music was made famous in the 80’s for its funky sound, and its issues that ranged from corrupt politicians to promoting African tradition to fighting European imperialism.

So basically Fela would make fun of Nigerians for venerating the white man. It’s pretty amazing then, that when the compound for his gravesite, the famed “kalakuta republic” was repainted recently, it was done by white Europeans. No doubt it validates his music, but it shows an ugly side as well..

kalakuta3

Fela is a piece of African history, and wanted to be seen that way. If so, his message is surely lost if his legacy isn’t protected by Africans. It’s funny enough that he is viewed as a Nigerian artist, many of his catalogs are controlled by European companies. Those that were produced in Nigeria were ultimately destroyed by err.. Nigerians.

Which brings us to the crux of the matter, the reason why Africa underdeveloped itself (shout out to Walter Rodney), that Africans do not (did not? could not?) protect their own legacy; or just do not want to.

And it’s not just Fela Kuti that’s affected. For some reason, Nigeria’s greatest products will somehow find themselves being exported to the west.. whether it was the looted Benin bronze art collection, or it’s unrefined crude oil, or computer genius Philip Emeagwali.

It has gone on for so long that even presently, there is a lingering notion that Nigerian creativity isn’t important till it has been “outsourced” to the west, take for example soul singer Asa, or literary giant Wole Soyinka, or the late Chinua Achebe, or even Jay Jay Okocha and Kanu. Now, some 18 years after his death, African music has taken on more European themes, so has fashion and religion. There’s been an entire culture shift in fact, hell I might never have reached you if this article wasn’t done in Queen’s English.. The west must have done something right.

ELECTION 2015: WHO TO VOTE FOR

No doubt this is already one of the hottest topics of the year.

apc

When I started writing this, the presidential candidates were signing a “pledge” not to resort to violence in the coming elections. I watched the president sign it too, which was totally hilarious. It’s not everyday your president promises not to kill you on live TV… Anyways, at least it helps put the message across – If you choose to fight, you’re on your own bruh.  INEC chose Valentine’s day for the election too, so you’d be like.. a total wierdo if you attacked someone on Valentine’s I guess.

GEJ chillin' #boss
GEJ chillin’ #boss

 

When a friend told me GEJ was the best president we ever had, I really couldn’t argue with him; mostly because another friend had told me GEJ was the worst president we ever had. And I couldn’t really argue with him either.  Because let’s face it, if there was an award for “most stressed out president” dude would probably make the top 5. He inherited an entire series of bad decisions from past rulers, and everyone expected him to fix the country in four years. Mostly because he told us he would.. but that’s not the point.

I think we can agree that the administration hasn’t been so great. Nobody denies that. It’s had it’s moments tho. The airports were spruced up for one, and many roads. There’s the railways I keep hearing about, which are really cool. Then agriculture improved, I think. Hey, the eagles won the nation’s cup! and we killed Ebola. But then there’s a whole catalogue of terrible things that went down..

First there was the subsidy removal, then soo much money lost or misappropriated or just not found. Stuff blew up and girls got kidnapped – that’s really the mildest way of putting it. The many many strikes. Oil prices and gas getting lost and electricity getting worse and the military having issues and I think I should stop now..

The king of Iron fist
The king of Iron fist

From all indications, his major opponent is GMB, a former Military ruler. At least I think he was.. Word on the street is that no one can find this guy’s school certificates; which could mean his schooling was poorly documented OR, he’s the greatest criminal mastermind of all time. Also, he’s 73 years old apparently (is this an Obama vs McCain thing??). Some people say he’s anti-corrupt, like the antiviruses. Others say he’s a dictator, and by others, I mean his opposition.

Then there’s the views that he’s been in ‘hibernation’ for like 30 years, I mean he didn’t release a book or anything. So I guess it’s reasonable to question his motives. There’s views that he’s a religious zealot too. The infamous Boko Haram sect nominated him as a spokesperson. He refused by the way, but that’s interesting..

inec

I just want to wish everyone a safe and successful election. and a happy valentine’s coincidentally. I can only wish for more accountability in leadership. You should be electing a president, not choosing a King. I hate that the elections are presented like a famed boxing match, then the real issues end up skirted. Such as, how do you lead a country without knowing how many people are in it?  stuff like that. I guess it’s not that simple..

Any comments you have.. about who to vote for, or things you think I missed, I’d really like to hear them

(skit) ERRORS IN COMMUNICATION

doctor

 

It happens to all of us. Sometimes light hearted jokes may come off as total insults to those we tell them to. Then we look like complete jackasses, unintentionally of course..

Take for instance the following conversation between BF and GF, a cute couple, window shopping for yoga pants. BF sees a particular pair of ugly ones (yoga pants) and says..

 

BF: “Damn, those look nice”

GF: “What’s nice about them?”

BF: “I was being sarcasti– ironic”

 

The statement “I was being sarcasti– ironic” is the real bone of contention in this case, which I will now analyse..

 

oldcomputer

 

INTENTION:

BF has made a sarcastic comment about the yoga pants by saying they look nice when they actually look stupid. He hopes that GF will notice the glaring disparity in his logic and find it funny, maybe laugh.

But it goes over her head and instead, GF asks him to explain his comment. So he is in damage control. His initial impulse is to say it was sarcastic but he makes the switch to ironic instead. He doesn’t want her to think he was messing with her head on purpose just for fun, so he goes for the lighter term “ironic” which implies he was only messing with the language OR

BF feels ironic will be an easier concept for her to understand than sarcastic, since she exhibits a lapse in the knowledge of sarcasm. Because GF did not grasp his earlier joke, BF assumes she is not used to sarcasm, and takes it out of the statement. so he’s thinking Mission accomplished! but what he doesn’t know is..

 

RESULT #1:

GF did not pay attention to the first statement. so she did not notice the obscure wittiness in ‘Damn, those look nice‘ she actually believes he thinks the hideous pair of yoga pants looks nice and is trying to understand why. She understands the concept of Sarcasm, but only just realises BF was being sarcastic, when he says…

“I was being sarcasti-ironic”

Now GF’s feeling’s are hurt, because she thinks BF does not think her smart enough to understand sarcasm when she actually does,

but she was only a bit slow on the uptake                                                          OR

 

RESULT #2:

GF actually understands the sarcasm perfectly, in fact she understands it so much, it does not evoke any emotion when he says “Damn, those look nice

It is in fact BF that does not understand the sarcasm in her statement “what’s nice about them”… here, GF has given BF the opportunity to continue the conversation in sarcasm to satisfy his ego. She has given him leeway to keep cracking jokes, and a listening ear, but BF mistakes it as a flaw in her understanding,

She thinks, BF thinks she’s stupid, and pities her enough not to tell her… now GF’s feelings are hurt, OR

 

RESULT #3:

GF does not understand both the terms “sarcastic” and “ironic” and thinks BF has uttered a new word “sarcastironic” which is an alien term to her. She feels too ashamed to ask what the ‘word’ means so she acts like she knows. GF feels bad she could not detect the sarcastironism earlier.

GF may also think “sarcastironism” a rare medical condition BF never told her about. She begins to think BF is hiding things from her. now GF’s feelings are hurt, OR

 

RESULT #4

GF likes the pair of yoga pants, and is enthused when BF makes the statement “Damn, those look nice

She believes BF shares her passion in admiring them and encourages him to bring his feelings into the limelight, so she can meet him halfway. Unfortunately, BF encores with Sarcasm/Irony/Sarcastironism.

now GF’s feelings are hurt, OR

 

RESULTS #6

GF HATES the pair of yoga pants, and wants to see them die. The fact that BF has paid them any attention only intensifies her hatred for the product. She is displeased with BF’s response in any form..

What’s NICE about them?”

GF’s feelings are hurt bad

 

Analysis

 

 

In Conclusion..

RESOLUTION #1:

Don’t talk

 

RESOLUTION #2:

Keep Calm and Buy Yoga pants

 

 

(SKIT) 7 THINGS YOU NEVER NOTICED ABOUT HARRY POTTER

First off, lemme say that Harry Potter is a good book.. err books,         there’s 7 of them, so if you have read them, I want to state, that I solemnly swear, that the following read is not meant to undermine the book – books (darn it) in any way and is for comedic purposes. If you haven’t read the books, you’re in luck, because the funny words I’m about to say – write may seem even more fascinating to you. So stick around..

 

 

hp

Harry Potter is a series of children’s books (and movies) written by JK Rowling (that’s Witch Mrs. JK Rowling to you muggle!) in which a young boy discovers he’s a wizard, and is introduced to the world of magic through Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry

 

Hogwarts-castle-harry-potter-166431
They’re books literally ‘riddled’ with symbolism, many of which may have been missed by the passive reader, and some of which, I’m about to outline:

1. The Wizarding world is highly inaccurate

As with most fantasy books, Harry Potter’s world is filled with inadequate structuring and succeeds in jumbling the laws of Physics, Mathematics, Biology, Chemistry, and even English to its will. It’s a world where trees move and Owls deliver letters better than the postman. Given the architecture of Hogwarts, many parts of it should have crumbled as they were built. Disappearing food (against better judgment) is trusted, and a 100 pound man could become a 3 ounce mouse. Amazingly, before Harry’s first trip to Hogwarts, he gets to fabled platform 9 ¾ by running through the middle of a wall separating platforms 9 and 10. Mathematically that would make it Platform 9 ½, unless they ran at it from an angle, or my knowledge of the London Underground is faulty.

 

platform

But then what good would it do if I questioned the comfort of riding a wooden broomstick, or why a certain group of students are made to sleep in dungeons, and others in towers..

2.            7 Books = 7 Horcruxes

This assumption may be too sly to make, but can’t be ignored completely. As early as the second book (Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets), it is hinted that 7 is a magical number and the book’s lead villain, Voldemort (you can say his name now) splits his soul into 7 pieces (Horcruxes) in an attempt to “live forever”.

 

voldy

Maybe even more sly, that the first Horcrux happens to be a ‘diary’, which is also a book, and the series is dictated like a yearly memoir.
It would seem that JK would want her readers to believe that her books were a gateway to immortality and should be shielded from harm, lest pieces of your soul were destroyed..

3.    The Wizarding World is Unsafe

If the world is unsafe enough as it is, the HP world is even more so. Every wizard or witches’ wand plays like a silenced gun, ready to take anyone out at any moment. The community is basically a group of assassins with or without a license to kill, as you are entitled to a wand as early as the age of 11.

 

HarryPotterYoung
Speaking of kids, Hogwarts isn’t safe for them either. Geographically and ethically so. Who’s to say an 11 yr old wouldn’t fancy an unguided swim in the lake of doom one day, or approach the giant tree that’s always whacking everything? Early in the series, a giant three headed dog is placed in the school, and the students are told to stay away from the corridor. But in a school where corridors move, how would someone tell what corridor they were on? Or even worse, what if the dogs broke loose?

 

Fluffy

In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Hermoine indicates that Hogwarts is a fortress, which is debatable. In HP and the prisoner of Azkaban, convicted innocent Sirius Black passes into the school by ‘simply’ turning into a dog. The student dorms are guarded by… portraits, literally, but with passwords, for that secure feel. Students are even taught lessons in a dark forest, where they are introduced to magical, bloodthirsty, but beautiful, creatures.
It probably supports an argument that wizards and witches are going extinct. The ‘muggle’ world seems to hold more practical and safer alternatives to magical methods. According to the book, Wizards are even fascinated by muggles (like Mr. Weasley) so much that an entire department is dedicated to them (muggle studies), whilst in the muggle world, wizards are seen as freaks and wierdos.

4.    Avada Kedavra = Abra Cadabra

A tongue-in-cheek jab at early magic show performers, who would dab their wands and say ‘Abra Cadabra’ to add credence to a trick. In the wizarding world of HP, it translates to a killing curse, which is quite ironic..

 

5.    Go home sorting hat, you’re drunk

Many fans of the book try to allude the sorting hat some mystical powers of being able to divine what house a student belongs to, but all evidence points to the contrary. It’s a drunk hat that hears people’s thoughts when they put him (her?) on. Even if it wasn’t, whatever house a student was placed in never affected class schedules, or teaching staff, or even the friends they chose (maybe where they slept). The sword of Gryffindor was always going to present itself to a brave person even if they were from Hufflepuff house anyway. If the hat were any bit statistical, Harry would be placed in Slytherin, Hermoine would be placed in Ravenclaw, and Ron would probably be placed with Mr. Filch..

 

6.    Names in Harry Potter

JK was generous enough to bless the series with many contrasting names of People, places, animals, things and even magical spells. Each probably done to add spice and deeper understanding to them. Either stand-alone or as anagrams each name seems to provide something special for the reader.

Who is to say it’s not coincidence that ‘Harp’-“otter” could talk to ‘Bass’-“eel”-isks? Or Argus Filch always Argued Filthy? Or Harry’s timid friend was called “Run” Weasley? Or that unfortunate things plagued Nev-“ill” Longbottom? or Wizard transport was done with Floo (Flew) Powder.. even down to the less glorious revelations like Rita ‘Skeet’-her..

 

7.    Dumbledore drank memories

In HP and the half-blood prince, Harry Potter and his headmaster Dumbledore go to retrieve a not-so Horcrux from a cave guarded by magic. When they reach it, it’s immersed in a basin full of unnamed liquid Dumbledore is forced to drink, giving him painful hallucinations.

 

harry-dumbledore-liquid

 

But wizards have been known to drink some of the nastiest things on earth. According to the books, polyjuice potion tasted terrible nasty, but they drank like champions (Barty Crouch). There’s also the every flavor beans (EVERY flavor), and recall when Ron was made to “eat slugs”? What then would be so nasty that one of the greatest wizards suffered to drink. I’ll tell you. BAD MEMORIES.

If Regulus Black really stole the necklace Horcrux then he’d have had to put an equally dark spell on the fake to give it that added sense of gloom. And with the amount of guarding the cave was given, it’s not like he’d have had a handy set of potions ready to mix. Fans already know that a Patronus is produced from a happy thought, and is powerful enough to cast away many dementors at once, and even scare Draco Malfoy out of his wits. If a happy thought could do that, how much more then, several bad thoughts?

 

Dumbledore would be able to recognize this instantly, having a basin of thoughts (Pensieve) of his own at home (school). And would know he needed to drink them. Remembering the only organ Dementors possess is a mouth, it would be where they are most affected by such spells. It could also explain why R.A.B sounded so optimistic in the letter. It was a gloomy place, but then, he’d transferred his gloomy thoughts to a bowl.

 

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An added bonus: Remember when Dumbledore said to Harry “Fear of a name increases fear of a thing itself”? Harry mistook this to mean Voldermort’s name, and that other wizards were just stupid and scared of saying it. Arrogance I guess, probably inherited from his father (shoutout to Snape). But Dumbledore wasn’t talking about “Voldermort” at all. “Voldermort” was a signal used to detect wizard locations. So really Harry was the stupid one for saying it all the time… Dumbledore always called Voldermort by his true name…. Tom

 

P/S Don’t forget to check out my Amazon page for books, comics and lots more content. Thanks for reading. Feel free to Comment if you like. *smile emoji*

 

(SKIT) 7 THINGS YOU NEVER NOTICED ABOUT THE JUSTICE LEAGUE TITLE SEQUENCE

I was watching an episode of Justice League (2001 TV series) the  other day and something struck me. Usually I watch “Superhero” cartoons to be intrigued by the powers of the gifted characters (watch them blow stuff up), but this one time made me think to look at their personalities….. It was the opening sequence that struck me.

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The one time I chose not to skip it, I learned more about the characters of the Justice League than any episode conceived. I felt I knew Superman, Batman, Wonder woman, Hawkgirl, The Flash, Green Lantern and Martian Manhunter on a more personal level. And I’ll explain why….

First off, Justice League is a series about a group of Superheroes who decide that it would be better for the Earth if they joined forces. So every episode a new threat presents itself, and it’s up to these guys to stop it..

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Justice League has a unique opening sequence. The superheroes get to showcase their talents in peculiar 3D, even when the cartoons are 2D drawings.. but much before then, silhouettes of Justice League characters walk towards the screen in a particular formation, a formation that never changes throughout the series:

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Judging from their figure forms, from the left its, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern, Wonder woman, Superman, Batman, Flash and Hawkgirl. On their slow advance, their forms dissolve in the rising sun and are transformed into the letters J.U.S.T.I.C.E respectively as seen here

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It could be overlooked by anybody, but this transformation holds more meaning than meets the eye. Not only do the symbols uncannily fit the body shapes of the characters, they provide more insight into their personalities as well. Taking each letter individually, I will propose why:

 

JMartian Manhunter

J is a letter that is widely associated with important biblical matyrs and god figures, like Jesus and Jehovah.. and the Martian Manhunter’s story is not so different from theirs. He even introduces himself as J‘onn J‘onzz.. an implied nod to the name John.

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Following the series, J‘onn joins the Justice League after a siege of predators attacks his home planet, Mars. He is the only survivor, becoming so by sealing the invaders in suspended animation (much like Jesus sealing demons in hell after his death). He is only on Earth to warn humans of the impending danger from the aliens’ escape.

Martian Manhunter is also easily the most emotionally available character in the series, and shows the most self sacrifice. His powers range from the miraculous to the ghostly: Invisibility, Levitation, telepathy, he’s able to pass through others and manipulate their internal organs. Martian Manhunter is depicted as a perpetually morose and wandering character. He lives in an emotional Jail he fashioned for himself. And even with the vastness of his intelligence and the extent of his powers, he will always put himself in harms way to protect others. He is, in the true sense of the word.. Just.

 

UGreen Lantern

U is for Understanding and no other character in JL embodies wisdom as much as Green Lantern. In the opening sequence, Green Lantern recharges his power ring and is immediately seen as a harrowing character with his eyes shining a grim white.

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Green Lantern’s ring exudes Ultimate power and its forces are so unnervingly complex that only a mind like his could control; as such, he is able to shoot Ultrarays of very many shapes and designs. Even with all the power attributed to him he is not corrupted by it in any way. In an early episode he willingly hands over his ring to a tribunal on the suggestion of its misuse, and delivers himself to be arrested. His demeanour is likened to that of an army general, who has seen many battles and wars, who knows when to attack and when to retreat, when to intimidate and when to apologise. He is like a father figure to the group.

 

SWonder woman

The Seeping S; Slender, Serene.. Sexy. Admit it or not, Wonder Woman is the Justice League member Superman aspires to be. He even submits to her prowess in battle.

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As an amazon dedicating herself to the human race, she is the one that most embodies purity of heart and clarity of action. She is also the team’s most Superstitious member, who dedicates her battles and attributes her triumphs to the greek goddess hera.

Wonder Woman’s refusal to be corrupted can be seen in the rings on her wrist, which she uses to deflect enemy attacks, and her lasso of truth that impales them to “Surrender to truth”. As many things in life, her beauty lies in her Simplicity.

 

T – Superman

It’s easy to see why Superman takes up the centre T in JUSTICE as he is the core and leader of the Justice League. Every other member looks to him for direction and respects him.. like a Temple. He is the Temple of the group.

He is Tough and Tenacious, but also Tame. In the opening sequence, he punches through a wall violently.. then slowly flies through it. His attraction to Wonder Woman lies in the fact that she refuses to be swayed by the evils of the world, which he occasionally finds himself succumbing to; and that she mirrors him in strength and devotion. It may also be because she is, well.. hot.

It could be important to note that in the opening sequence, all the characters to the right of Superman (ie. Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman) represent the “good” side of the Justice League, while the characters to the right of Supes (Batman, Hawkgirl, Flash) represent the “bad” side of the Justice League, but in character only. What I mean is, the characters to his right all have predominantly good traits in their personalities. However the characters to his left have one predominant bad (evil) trait. For example, Batman is driven mostly by vengeance and is almost Supes’ complete opposite. Hawkgirl is driven mostly by wrath, she will hit first and ask questions later. Flash is cocky and arrogant, and will brag about his speed any time he has the opportunity. Superman represents a point of balance between all these contrasting characters.

 

I Batman

Batman is not only cool, he’s Ice cold. The visibility of the bat ears on his silhouette shows he accentuates the group. He’s a straight arrow, who’s never deterred by ANYTHING even though he’s the only team member that’s pure human. In the opening sequence, he throws a bat shaped blade into the infinite distance. He represents the vision, the eye (i) of the group.

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In many ways, Batman also represents the future of the Justice League: a human that dedicates themself to defending the earth without assistance from Super beings. He is the team’s most Intelligent and Inspiring member. As Bruce Wayne, he creates the space station which the team use as their main base, and is always tasked with creating new Ideas that improve the league and gets them out of sticky situations. He is Superman’s closest unspoken rival.

 

C Flash

The Flash is Cunning, Crafty and Clever. Also Comical. As the fastest man alive he works against the Clock to protect the earth, but sometimes he can be a real Calamity to the group. He represents the spirit of friendliness of the league towards the human race, as he is the league member they can relate with the most (which is saying something, as Batman is actually all human). He is the team’s most light hearted.. he even sounds like a kid.

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EHawkgirl

Hawkgirl is the most Evasive member of the Justice League. She takes to the sky like a bird and bludgeons anything in her path. She may represent freedom and Escape from oppression the team tries so hard to maintain on Earth. In battle, she always comes off as the most Excited of all the group to fight off enemies.