Category Archives: Satire

BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

I don’t know about you but I believe in miracles. Not because I have proof or anything like that, only because in my lifetime, I am lucky to have witnessed two of the greatest miracle workers my country ever produced at work. Their names alone strike fear into the hearts of wandering demons and underworld princesses. Those names are:  PASTOR CHRIS OYAKHILOME and PROPHET T.B. JOSHUA.

Pastor-Chris-Oyakhilome-and-Prophet-TB-Joshua

Typing those names alone sent shivers down my spine. If you’re hearing these names for the first time, and are unfamiliar with their work, let me enlighten you with a hip hop analogy: These two are to the exorcist game what Drake and Kendrick Lamar are to the rap game. Pastor Chris being the Drake in this situation and Prophet TBJ being the Kdot. I’ll give a brief description of each below.

 

PASTOR CHRIS

Pastor-Chris4

Beloved pastor, author, singer and Ph.D holder (Ph.D – Pretty Huge Divinity). Pastor Chris took an alternative approach to casting out demons to huge success. This is the first man I ever saw on Tv to sweet talk a demon to death. His method is very scientific if you think about it

  • First, he gets in touch with the demon’s emotions. Tries to understand the motivations of the demon. Holds hands with the human vessel and sometimes hugs them. You know, he’s like a therapist but one with godlike powers.

 

  • Second, he serenades the demon, sometimes with a song from his youth, other times with ballroom dancing and lots of eye contact. Seriously tho, What demon could resist this?

Chris-Oyakhilome

 

  • Third, he explains the situation to the demon. “You know I can’t have you possessing one of my members” sometimes in tears… sometimes the demon is in tears… sometimes the audience is in tears… I’m just saying, there’s a lot of tears involved.

 

  • Finally he expels the demon with a gentle breeze of his minty fresh breath. The demon swoons. It’s pretty much game over after that.

 

PROPHET TBJ

Prophet-TB-Joshua

Earlier I compared this man (of God) with Kendrick Lamar and its not just because both men call themselves Prophets… Prophet TBJ really doesn’t care about the hood politics or conventions of the healing game… that demon is coming out one way or another.

Prophet TBJ declares all out war on all demons and tolerates no arguments. He’s been known to whip demons, berate demons, lock them up, arrest demons (with handcuffs).

His deliverance equipment reads like something out of the SAW movie series or a hardcore BDSM fantasy – ropes, canes, masks, cages, you name it, he has it.  Needless to say, by the time he’s done with a demon, they’re left extremely sore by the experience. All this he does with a wry smile on his face.

tbj

 

Now that I’m done adoring these great men (of God), I want to address an issue…

A lot of nonbelievers and atheists would argue.. “This is stupid, miracles aren’t real” and “If miracles are real, and exorcism is true, how come there are still a lot of crazy people on the street?” You have a point, there are a lot of crazy people out there. But I will answer that question how all great men of God have answered questions, with a parable….

 

Once upon a time I was strolling through our neighbourhood market and as fate would have it, there was a notorious madman roaming the streets. A Keke Napep pastor at the time, new to the rules and regulations of miracle working, looked to challenge himself and his faith and saw this as an opportunity to show himself.

“I will cure that madman” he said.

The traders on the street scoffed, unbelieving; but the pastor was not deterred. The madman stood by the gutter, staring into the horizon when the pastor approached him.

“MADMAN” the pastor called out.

The madman, shocked by the address, responded “What did you call me?”

“I want to introduce you to my God!” the pastor continued. “The one that will cure all your problems!”

“Who told you I have problems?” asked the madman.

The Pastor bellowed “Do not be afraid!!! The God I am speaking of is up there in the heavens. Look up.”

The madman looked up. “I can’t see anything”

“It is because you are blind! You are blind to the word of God!! I said LOOK UP”

“There is nothing there.”

“You are not looking properly. LOOK UP”

ORIJIN STORIES

Sometimes I feel like the origin stories of my favorite actors and musicians are made up fairy tales. In fact, sometimes I feel like Wikipedia profiles are absolute crap. I’ll explain.

Take someone like D’Banj for instance– African Music Megastar, Cultural Icon, Gifted Entertainer and World Class Fela Impersonator.

dbanj

Now, according to his internet biography, D’Banj once worked as a security guard in the UK before he became a musician.

Assuming this were to be true, could you just imagine the mannerisms and hilarisms of D’Banj being a security guard? Exactly what kind of organization would hire such a skinny fellow to stand guard at the gate?  Do security uniforms come in sleeveless shirts and bootcut trouser varieties?

Pulse-D-banj-as-Fela

…and how come not a single customer of said institution has ever stepped forward to testify to the fact that D’banj once welcomed them in through the doors. It would seem like a pretty memorable event to have D’Banj usher you into the building..

Customer enters

Security man: “Oshe!! Welcome-to-Customer-Care-Services-UK-Limited-PLC-Im-D’Banj… or-Ski-Banj-like-my-Jamaican-friends-call-me-and-BEFORE-you-enter-the-building-please-permit-me-to-inspect-that-BIG-BIG-BIG-BOOTY”

Customer: ‘Can I go in with my bag?’

Security man: “FIILE!! Don’t touch it. Leave it! We will take-care-of-it for you.”

Customer: ‘Will it be safe?’

Security man: “No long tin. No long tin.”

Customer: ‘Can you direct me to the receptionist’s desk?’

Security man: “Just move that booty to the left of the corridor and you will meet one mamalette with a green blouse. Just ask her “WHY ME OH!” She will direct you to a babylette on the second floor. She will tell you the koko.”

You know what? On second thought—I think he would make an excellent security guard.

Now, DON JAZZY’s origin story is totally unbelievable, not to mention unacceptable.

Don-Jazzy

The story is that he used to sell akara when he was a toddler, but I don’t see how that can be true… he would be giving away akara for free like it was water—

–I mean have you seen this guy’s twitter account? The guy is too generous. He practically gives away a new car every week.

The only way I could really see Don Jazzy as an akara seller was if a customer vexed the guy and got him angry for some reason. Like imagine if a  customer tried to steal some akara from him and he caught them…

Customer: “Is it because of one akara I tried to take from you that you’re frowning like this? This small akara?”

Akara seller: ‘Egbon Customer, If you want the akara, come and take it.’
don jazzy fallout

Are there any origin stories of your favorite celebrities that you think are absolute balderdash? Feel free to comment below…

 

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