Category Archives: Satire

THE MESSIAH COMPLEX

If you are new to the drama and glamour that is the Nigerian Election just wait till 2019. Oh boy! are you in for a treat. The campaign jingles will be catchy and memorable, The Promises to serve will be grandiose and verbose, People will get arrested, others freed, the Media and Social Media houses will experience a content frenzy. The excitement of the FIFA World cup pales in comparison to the quest for leadership in this Nation. And yet, after the high that the process gives, all we are left with is the crushing disappointment of reality. This is due in part to what I call…

 

THE MESSIAH COMPLEX

 

For some time now the Nigerian people have been fond of searching for “The One”. The Political Saviour who will arrive and completely change the country’s fortunes overnight. The Religious sensibilities of the people will reach a peak every four years. It would seem that every Electoral candidate comes with the promise of performing miracles.

Goodluck-Jonathan

 

I had no shoes” said President Goodluck Jonathan in the battle for 2011. It was a tale of Legend, a young boy whose lack of footwear could not hold him back from pursuing an education. We were intrigued to learn his secret. Four years of the most gruesome allegations of misappropriation later, a new warrior unsheathed his blade…

 

Muhammadu-Buhari-speech

 

“I am going to kill corruption” said President Muhammadu Buhari in 2015. We jumped at the opportunity. Finally, a man who killed vices with his bare hands. The change we needed became the change we never expected. The youths were reported to the colonial masters. “They want everything free”. It was an unkind critique of the human condition.

 

WHAT TO EXPECT

 

I eagerly anticipate the Miracles that will the claimed by the next set of aspirants, where every campaign banner will be photoshopped to the last hair, with quotes that illustrate a heaven within the reach of the people. If we have learnt one thing from our 58 years of independence, it is that the old ways do not work. Why then, would we continue to use them?

It would seem that the nation is aging in reverse. Personally, I would expect a leader to be the best representative of the people. If I had wanted someone to represent me, I would look for the strongest, the most intelligent, the most well spoken. A leader to me, is not a miracle worker, but one that inspires hope and gives a sense of direction. It is why we Africans idolize the Nelson Mandelas and Martin Luther Kings.

But maybe that’s just me. There is no escaping the conundrum. One must lead for others to follow, otherwise we all ply the roads with no direction. Would you rather drive your car into a ditch knowingly or unknowingly? My major gripe with the Nigerian people is that in the wake of religious and ethic disunity,
we have been so busy searching for answers that we forgot to ask questions. The only solution is inquiry. This time around,

 

ASK QUESTIONS

 

Ask for debates, Ask for town hall meetings, Ask for manifestos. Your candidate, who is he? Who is she? Where are they from? What have they done? What do they wish to do? What qualifies them for public service? How can they help the nation?

Ask and ask again, otherwise your voters card is just a tool for your slavery. For another four years at least.

 

P/S More fun awaits. Check out my Amazon page for books, comics and lots more content. Thanks for reading.

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BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

I don’t know about you but I believe in miracles. Not because I have proof or anything like that, only because in my lifetime, I am lucky to have witnessed two of the greatest miracle workers my country ever produced at work. Their names alone strike fear into the hearts of wandering demons and underworld princesses. Those names are:  PASTOR CHRIS OYAKHILOME and PROPHET T.B. JOSHUA.

Pastor-Chris-Oyakhilome-and-Prophet-TB-Joshua

Typing those names alone sent shivers down my spine. If you’re hearing these names for the first time, and are unfamiliar with their work, let me enlighten you with a hip hop analogy: These two are to the exorcist game what Drake and Kendrick Lamar are to the rap game. Pastor Chris being the Drake in this situation and Prophet TBJ being the Kdot. I’ll give a brief description of each below.

 

PASTOR CHRIS

Pastor-Chris4

Beloved pastor, author, singer and Ph.D holder (Ph.D – Pretty Huge Divinity). Pastor Chris took an alternative approach to casting out demons to huge success. This is the first man I ever saw on Tv to sweet talk a demon to death. His method is very scientific if you think about it

  • First, he gets in touch with the demon’s emotions. Tries to understand the motivations of the demon. Holds hands with the human vessel and sometimes hugs them. You know, he’s like a therapist but one with godlike powers.

 

  • Second, he serenades the demon, sometimes with a song from his youth, other times with ballroom dancing and lots of eye contact. Seriously tho, What demon could resist this?

Chris-Oyakhilome

 

  • Third, he explains the situation to the demon. “You know I can’t have you possessing one of my members” sometimes in tears… sometimes the demon is in tears… sometimes the audience is in tears… I’m just saying, there’s a lot of tears involved.

 

  • Finally he expels the demon with a gentle breeze of his minty fresh breath. The demon swoons. It’s pretty much game over after that.

 

PROPHET TBJ

Prophet-TB-Joshua

Earlier I compared this man (of God) with Kendrick Lamar and its not just because both men call themselves Prophets… Prophet TBJ really doesn’t care about the hood politics or conventions of the healing game… that demon is coming out one way or another.

Prophet TBJ declares all out war on all demons and tolerates no arguments. He’s been known to whip demons, berate demons, lock them up, arrest demons (with handcuffs).

His deliverance equipment reads like something out of the SAW movie series or a hardcore BDSM fantasy – ropes, canes, masks, cages, you name it, he has it.  Needless to say, by the time he’s done with a demon, they’re left extremely sore by the experience. All this he does with a wry smile on his face.

tbj

 

Now that I’m done adoring these great men (of God), I want to address an issue…

A lot of nonbelievers and atheists would argue.. “This is stupid, miracles aren’t real” and “If miracles are real, and exorcism is true, how come there are still a lot of crazy people on the street?” You have a point, there are a lot of crazy people out there. But I will answer that question how all great men of God have answered questions, with a parable….

 

Once upon a time I was strolling through our neighbourhood market and as fate would have it, there was a notorious madman roaming the streets. A Keke Napep pastor at the time, new to the rules and regulations of miracle working, looked to challenge himself and his faith and saw this as an opportunity to show himself.

“I will cure that madman” he said.

The traders on the street scoffed, unbelieving; but the pastor was not deterred. The madman stood by the gutter, staring into the horizon when the pastor approached him.

“MADMAN” the pastor called out.

The madman, shocked by the address, responded “What did you call me?”

“I want to introduce you to my God!” the pastor continued. “The one that will cure all your problems!”

“Who told you I have problems?” asked the madman.

The Pastor bellowed “Do not be afraid!!! The God I am speaking of is up there in the heavens. Look up.”

The madman looked up. “I can’t see anything”

“It is because you are blind! You are blind to the word of God!! I said LOOK UP”

“There is nothing there.”

“You are not looking properly. LOOK UP”

 

P/S More fun awaits. Check out my Amazon page for books, comics and lots more content. Thanks for reading.

ORIJIN STORIES

Sometimes I feel like the origin stories of my favorite actors and musicians are made up fairy tales. In fact, sometimes I feel like Wikipedia profiles are absolute crap. I’ll explain.

Take someone like D’Banj for instance– African Music Megastar, Cultural Icon, Gifted Entertainer and World Class Fela Impersonator.

dbanj

Now, according to his internet biography, D’Banj once worked as a security guard in the UK before he became a musician.

Assuming this were to be true, could you just imagine the mannerisms and hilarisms of D’Banj being a security guard? Exactly what kind of organization would hire such a skinny fellow to stand guard at the gate?  Do security uniforms come in sleeveless shirts and bootcut trouser varieties?

Pulse-D-banj-as-Fela

…and how come not a single customer of said institution has ever stepped forward to testify to the fact that D’banj once welcomed them in through the doors. It would seem like a pretty memorable event to have D’Banj usher you into the building..

Customer enters

Security man: “Oshe!! Welcome-to-Customer-Care-Services-UK-Limited-PLC-Im-D’Banj… or-Ski-Banj-like-my-Jamaican-friends-call-me-and-BEFORE-you-enter-the-building-please-permit-me-to-inspect-that-BIG-BIG-BIG-BOOTY”

Customer: ‘Can I go in with my bag?’

Security man: “FIILE!! Don’t touch it. Leave it! We will take-care-of-it for you.”

Customer: ‘Will it be safe?’

Security man: “No long tin. No long tin.”

Customer: ‘Can you direct me to the receptionist’s desk?’

Security man: “Just move that booty to the left of the corridor and you will meet one mamalette with a green blouse. Just ask her “WHY ME OH!” She will direct you to a babylette on the second floor. She will tell you the koko.”

You know what? On second thought—I think he would make an excellent security guard.

Now, DON JAZZY’s origin story is totally unbelievable, not to mention unacceptable.

Don-Jazzy

The story is that he used to sell akara when he was a toddler, but I don’t see how that can be true… he would be giving away akara for free like it was water—

–I mean have you seen this guy’s twitter account? The guy is too generous. He practically gives away a new car every week.

The only way I could really see Don Jazzy as an akara seller was if a customer vexed the guy and got him angry for some reason. Like imagine if a  customer tried to steal some akara from him and he caught them…

Customer: “Is it because of one akara I tried to take from you that you’re frowning like this? This small akara?”

Akara seller: ‘Egbon Customer, If you want the akara, come and take it.’
don jazzy fallout

Are there any origin stories of your favorite celebrities that you think are absolute balderdash? Feel free to comment below…

 

P/S Don’t forget to check out my Amazon page for books, comics and lots more content. Thanks for reading.