Sometimes I feel like the origin stories of my favorite actors and musicians are made up fairy tales. In fact, sometimes I feel like Wikipedia profiles are absolute crap. I’ll explain.
Take someone like D’Banj for instance– African Music Megastar, Cultural Icon, Gifted Entertainer and World Class Fela Impersonator.
Now, according to his internet biography, D’Banj once worked as a security guard in the UK before he became a musician.
Assuming this were to be true, could you just imagine the mannerisms and hilarisms of D’Banj being a security guard? Exactly what kind of organization would hire such a skinny fellow to stand guard at the gate? Do security uniforms come in sleeveless shirts and bootcut trouser varieties?
…and how come not a single customer of said institution has ever stepped forward to testify to the fact that D’banj once welcomed them in through the doors. It would seem like a pretty memorable event to have D’Banj usher you into the building..
Customer enters
Security man: “Oshe!! Welcome-to-Customer-Care-Services-UK-Limited-PLC-Im-D’Banj… or-Ski-Banj-like-my-Jamaican-friends-call-me-and-BEFORE-you-enter-the-building-please-permit-me-to-inspect-that-BIG-BIG-BIG-BOOTY”
Customer: ‘Can I go in with my bag?’
Security man: “FIILE!! Don’t touch it. Leave it! We will take-care-of-it for you.”
Customer: ‘Will it be safe?’
Security man: “No long tin. No long tin.”
Customer: ‘Can you direct me to the receptionist’s desk?’
Security man: “Just move that booty to the left of the corridor and you will meet one mamalette with a green blouse. Just ask her “WHY ME OH!” She will direct you to a babylette on the second floor. She will tell you the koko.”
You know what? On second thought—I think he would make an excellent security guard.
Now, DON JAZZY’s origin story is totally unbelievable, not to mention unacceptable.
The story is that he used to sell akara when he was a toddler, but I don’t see how that can be true… he would be giving away akara for free like it was water—
–I mean have you seen this guy’s twitter account? The guy is too generous. He practically gives away a new car every week.
The only way I could really see Don Jazzy as an akara seller was if a customer vexed the guy and got him angry for some reason. Like imagine if a customer tried to steal some akara from him and he caught them…
Customer: “Is it because of one akara I tried to take from you that you’re frowning like this? This small akara?”
Akara seller: ‘Egbon Customer, If you want the akara, come and take it.’
Are there any origin stories of your favorite celebrities that you think are absolute balderdash? Feel free to comment below…
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