I just like the way white people operate, very smooth and calm like, ya know?
I mean don’t get me wrong, I love Black people, I love Asians, I love Hispanics, Smurfs, whatever your skin colour… that’s not the point of this post. It’s just that, white people have this, quality…
Take a country like ours for instance. If you bring a white man to your business the business will mysteriously start to grow. Lemme repeat that statement for you guys just in case you didn’t get that, in pidgin. If you bring oyibo come your shop, market go dey move. I’m not even joking about this.
The white dude doesn’t even have to do anything. Seriously, let’s test this. Find the nearest white guy in your area (this might be harder for those of you in Ojuelegba) and place him in front of your shop; right next to the carton of Indomie, and watch the business grow. Double props if it’s a white girl. It doesn’t even matter if she has like 50 tattoos or something. It’s all good. White people tattoos are the least dangerous tattoos you can think of…
Have you seen when a white guy is covering the news, like when an earthquake happens?
Very calm and collected reporting–
“Three hundred people were killed today in Earthquake Rebecca today and fifty more were left injured. The disaster occurred at 3o’clock in the afternoon…” all with a straight face.
You’d think she was telling a bedtime story or something.
Even when the disaster victim is white they’re still chill about it—
“Sir the earthquake took us all by surprise.. can you please tell us what happened, in your own words”
“Well, I was walking my dog around the area when I heard some strange noises. The ground began to shake so I thought ‘that’s weird’ that doesn’t usually happen, so I took cover under that tree, took a selfie and dialed 911…”
Now Imagine if the earthquake happened in this country. Even that imagination alone is enough to make some people shout “God forbid” at their phone screens talk less of the earthquake itself. Say an earthquake happened in Ikorodu…
“Sir the earthquake took us all by surprise.. can you please describe what happened in your own wor–”
“Chei! CHEI! Oh mY God, OH MY GOD……
I was just taking my baff next thing I heard.. GbUruMGBURUUURRUgburum so I jumped outside the window. That is why you are seeing me in my towel right now. I don’t think I can enter that house again until ma Pastor prays over the compound…”
You know as a kid I used to think white people weren’t afraid of danger but that has to be ridiculous right? Everbody gets scared, right? right?
I remember watching a show called Jackass. In this show the characters would do the most humiliating hurtful things to their bodies. Like fight with bees and jump into a pool of ice water and fight bulls and shit. Now I noticed something about the characters of this show.
None of them were black.
They even had a white midget in there but no black guys. That show would never survive today.
Okay one last thing, to close out the post–
Remember the olden days when our forefathers lived in huts and wore lion skin and stuff? If you watch Africa Magic you know what I’m talking about.
The time where an African child’s mother would be like “My son, whatever you do, don’t go into the evil forest. If you go there you will DIE!”
And the son would say “No mother. I will not go into the evil forest. I do not want to DIE”
Now imagine if that woman adopted a white kid.
“William, I beg of you, in the name of God, do not go into the evil forest for any reason. If you do, you will DIE”
The white kid goes “Mom it’s okay, I went there yesterday it wasn’t that bad”