THANK YOU FOR NOT LISTENING

I hope you’ve had a great year.. mine was pretty rough, dude. Mostly because I lost my three best friends. You might know them, there’s

Kate,

Mal,

and Red.

 

kate

 

One evening, Kate walks up to me looking fine. So fine, I had to stare at her large forehead to remind myself I was in the friendzone. Earlier that day she’d texted that she needed some advice. What better place to give it to her than on a table for two at a five star restaurant?

You could tell by my new tux that it wasn’t a big deal for me.. and the 15 carat engagement ring in my left pocket? meh, just something i’d picked up from the store earlier. I hate when my left pocket is empty.

Kate told me she was a sex addict. That she loved men of all shapes and sizes, and she didn’t know why. By the look in her eyes I knew I didn’t fit the description. But I gave the best advice I could. I told her to use a condom. When I got home, first thing I did was throw the ring in the garbage.

The very next day she met someone new, Charles he was called. Charles must know a really good restaurant because the first thing she did was forget my advice. She goes and gets herself pregnant then comes crying to me to help her. I tell her everything will be alright…

Turns out Charles was like a king or something in some town in Europe. Turns out he’s cool with the baby and he wants to get married to Kate.

I haven’t heard from her since. But her last facebook status went something like..

shoutout to the haters that told me to play it safe

 

mal

 

Mal was no quitter.

Even though I liked her strong will, all we really had in common was rock music. She was the only girl I knew who never put on makeup. She wore whatever the fuck she wanted.

One day she writes me a frantic message. Turns out one of the soldiers outside her house really doesn’t like rock music. Like really really doesn’t. The dude gets mad everytime he hears her phone play. She asks me for advice. “What do I do about him?” she writes. I give her my best.

Buy some headphones” I say. Seems simple enough. You get your precious rock music, and the mysterious ‘outside soldier’ gets to leave you alone. I should have told her to get glasses too. I don’t think she saw my reply..

One morning she’s outside blaring some Led Zeppelin on high stereo. The soldier has had enough. He pumps three bullets into Mal, and she loses her footing. There’s children running all over the street. Siri wises up and turns off the playlist. She’s unconscious.

Next thing you know some helicopter from Europe or something picks her up on its way to the hospital. They take out the bullets and make her well again. Soon she’s appearing on interviews and talk shows and stuff. She’s a rock legend now.

One day I receive a small package. It’s from Mal. I’m really excited when I open it. Inside there’s a pair of headphones and a note. I grab the note, I’m so happy I’ll be hearing from Mal again. The words jump out from the paper..

You wear them!”

I think she saw my reply.

 

red

 

Red is… well, was not the smartest of friends to have. She was always laughing about something. It’s amazing how her teeth were so white, what with all the drugs she did.

One day she tells me drugs are ‘stealing her personality’, which sounds hilarious at first, but for once she isn’t laughing when she says it, so I know its been eating at her for a while. She asks me what to do.

I know I’m on a poor streak when it comes to giving advice, but somehow I felt really confident about telling her to layoff the drugs. I’d seen how drug addicts behave on TV, always zoned out and looking terrible. I wanted none of that for Red. I knew I’d done the right thing.

Red must have been wearing earmuffs that day because next thing you know, she and her boyfriend go to meet some koreans for some new type of high. Somehow her boyfriend is killed, and then she’s kidnapped by drug dealers. They sew in an entire bag of the stuff into her lower abdomen..

Next thing you know she gets so high that she can control gravity and read people’s minds. She can separate radio waves and time travel and shit. Soon she like, leaves her physical form and becomes an omnipotent being or something that can control technology and electricity and stuff.

I haven’t heard from the girl since when she left me a flash drive, containing all the reasons I’m a stupid asshole..

 

I’m at the club right now and I’ve just met a lovely girl in a sequin dress. She says her boyfriend is a maniac and she wants to leave him. She asks me what to do. I know exactly what to say.

 

 

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